Clare's Blog

I thought the committee meeting was merely a formality.  I thought the adoption agency would look at our application and our perspective daughter’s file and agree that we were meant to be together.  After all her file has been on hold for close to 2 months while we and our doctors (and my friend in nursing school) reviewed her medical files.

Apparently an independent social worker  reviews her file and describes the perfect family for her.  Then the committee compares us to the perfect family and decides if the differences can be overlooked.

They said she had too many medical unknowns.  She does have a few different abnormalities in her brain.  They said she was too close in age to our two other children.  If she were our youngest child or if she did not have so many unknowns they might have made a match.

I am sad.  It was hard to tell Fiction without crying right in front of her.  We have been waiting to put photos of Summer-Jun up in the house until we knew we were a match.  Apparently that was a good idea.

I feel so sad.  I have lost all control.  I mean, I cannot control what kind of medical care she gets, what kind of love and attention she receives, what kind of life she will have.

I am tempted to go searching for another child and make a match.  Another part of me says I should wait until our dossier is complete so that the wait for the child is not as long and so that we can choose from new referrals as well as the children  already available for adoption.  The other part of me says we should find a child before we complete our dossier so that we have the opportunity to adopt from any country and then tailor our dossier to that country.

arg.

God bless you, Summer-Jun.  May you find a family that wraps you in joy and warmth and all that you (and every child) deserves.  I suppose Fury and I can stop debating the hyphen in your name now.

We completed our online classes for the adoption.  We took 5 classes.  Attachment, Common Medical Issues, Adopting an Older Child, Conspicuous Families, and Helping the Adopted Child Deal with Grief and Loss.  Highlights?

To encourage attachment stay at home alone with your child for several months.  Tell Mom, “thanks but, no thanks, don’t come visit right now.”  Play games like peekaboo, facepaint, and rub lotion on each other hands.  These encourage eye contact and physical touching.

Make picture flashcards to aid in communication.  Learn as much Mandarin as possible.  Contact an interpretor.

Before you travel explore of your resources; therapists, therapy the school system may offer for free, counselors, pediatricians, language pathologists, neuropsychologists, health insurance, and support groups.

Be prepared to answer questions about adopting internationally.  People will automatically know that you have and will sometimes ask offensive questions.  Take the spotlight off of your child and put it on the family, “We’re an adoptive family.”  You can use humor, answer with a question, or answer.  I think most people who ask question do so because they are curious, not because they want to be offensive.  Obviously I want to talk about adoption as a wonderful way to build a family.  I just hope I am not oblivious if the question is hurtful to my child.

To deal with the grief and loss that every adopted child experiences (to some degree) we can make a lifebook (like a baby book that includes photos and information from before the adoption and photos and information about her country of origin.)  We can let her know that we are open to talking about her birth parents and former caregivers.  It will not hurt our feelings to let her talk about them (even if secretly it might hurt our feelings.)  I read about one adopted child who grew up and sought out her birth mother.  She said she felt “at home” with her.  I just think I will only feel “at home” when all of my children are with me and knowing one of those children might not share that sentiment does hurt my feelings.  Of course what’s important is not my feelings and of course I want her to feel comfortable talking to me about feelings like those.  I would rather know what she is thinking than pretend she’s not thinking it.

Anyway, we also had our phone interview with the adoption agency.  Hopefully we will get “matched” next Thursday.  That’s when the committee meets.  They have an independent social worker look at Summer-Jun’s file and describe the ideal family. Then they compare us to the ideal family and decide if the differences are too grave to overlook.  The woman from the adoption agency is going to call us Thursday to let us know if we’re a match.

The woman we spoke with met our daughter in July.  She said that she was happier and more smiley with other children than she was on the video we saw of her sitting with adults.  It was amazing speaking to someone who has met her.  I cannot wait to meet her myself.  Fury is a little nervous about the committee.  I’m trying not to be.  I’m sure it will be great!  AH!

We went to the pot luck last night (where there was WAY too much good food.)  We watched the video of one family meeting their daughter.  We talked about which stage we were each in in the adoption process.  Two families are just started out, still completing their home studies and finding their child.  One family has recently sent their dossier to China and are waiting to be told when they can travel.  We are right in the middle.

For the family waiting to travel, this is their 2nd adoption.  They were part of a formal support group with the first adoption.  They were on the waiting list to adopt an infant and the wait time kept growing and growing (when they started the wait time was 9 months, by the time they sent their dossier it was 2 years, now it’s 5 1/2 years.)  The support group they were a part of got to a point where they just got together to lament how long the process was taking.  They changed their request from infant to older child and accepted some special needs, soon they had a new daughter.  That was 3 years ago.  They said they think they’d still be waiting for an infant.  The nice thing is that time does pass and eventually people on the waiting list do adopt their children.

We talked about our home study.  It was no problem.  The social worker basically wanted to say, “Get it” if we didn’t already have what she asked about.

We talked about finding the child that will best fit into the family.  Fury and I did not do a lot of discerning.  We requested information on 9 children.  The agency suggested one of those 9 would be the best fit.  We agreed.

It took about 5 and a half weeks to get answers to the questions we had for her doctors.  Now that we have those answers we can go to committee.

It took one family 4 and 1/2 months to complete their dossier.  I’m not sure exactly when we started our dossier but I’m hopeful that we can complete it quickly.  Our marriage license and Fury’s birth certificate are lost in the mail.  I wonder if I should reorder them.   AHHH!

This week we heard from doctors in China.  We got actual MRI reports and immunization records.  There were no surprises -which was a nice surprise.  Tonight we’re going to a dinner party with four families who are also adopting!  It’s like our version of the natural birthing class.  Now that we’ve gotten the answers to our medical questions, read “Our Own; Adopting and Parenting the Older Child”, started online classes on adopting, and even started listening to Rosetta Stone (I’m in charge of paperwork, Fury is learning Mandarin) I think we’re ready to go to committee.

Right now we’re still “trying to adopt”, once we go to committee and we are matched with Summer-Jun, I think we can say we’re “adopting”.  The committee meets on Thursday.

On a slightly different note, I have a dry-erase board that faces the kitchen table.  I usually write my to-do list and my daily schedule on it.  At the bottom I wrote Summer-Jun Qiu Agnes Saint Gabriel.  I thought if Fury stared at it long enough he would agree to the name.  How can we agree  on so much and disagree so strongly on a hyphen?

I sit down at the table yesterday and the board is covered with names…

Lilia Jun Qiu

Lilia Qiu Jun Summer

Lilia Jun Qiu Alexandra

Summer Jun Alexandra

Summer-Jun Lilia Alexandra

Eleanor Qiu Jun Agnes

Eleanor Qiu Jun Summer

Summer Jun Catherine

I’m pretty attached to the Agnes and the hyphen but I’m afraid I may have to give up one of them.  I’m gonna try cleaning the house and rubbing his feet as means to getting what I want.

I’m sure these people don’t even care to hear my explaination but every time we have to get something done for the adoption I feel I have to explain.

“I need to do a background check on my husband.  It’s for an adoption.”

“I need to be fingerprinted by homeland security.  It’s for an adoption!”

“A social worker is coming to my house for a home visit.  It’s for an adoption!”

“I need an HIV test, it’s for our adoption paperwork, I swear!”

You can choose the gender, nationality, age, and many other traits of an adopted child.  Isn’t it like picking out a used car?

Not for us.  And I imagine not for most parents.

We would like to adopt a girl.  I think a girl would fit into our family more easily but we’re open to being matched with a boy (just like I hoped to have a girl child first, I hoped to adopt a girl.)  We were drawn to adopting from China because we had heard good things; less instances of fetal alcohol sydrome and drug addictions.  We have to consider our own abilities and the effect of purposefully bringing a sibling with special needs into the home.  We did not choose the age of the child we were adopting but the adoption agency has certain guidelines.  They do not allow families to adopt a child older than the oldest child in a home.  It displaces the oldest child in the home.  Also those parents do not have experience parenting a child of an older age. There is added pressure on the newest child to also be the oldest.   They do not allow people to adopt a child whose birthday is within 9 months of another child in the home.  This is called “twining” and causes competition between siblings.

We were also drawn to China because friends of our’s adopted through Holt and China and had a good experience.  They offered to help us with the paperwork (and the help has been greatly appreciated.)  Had our mentor family adopted from a different country or through a different agency our fate might have been changed.  We went to Holt’s website and looked at the profiles of “children of hope”.  These are older or special needs children in need of homes.  We asked for more information on any girl that we thought we could provide a good home for.  We told them we were open to the possibility of adopting a boy.  We found children in China and India.  India does not post photographs of the children but honestly the photographs were of little consequence.

We did not ask to adopt an infant.  There are so many parents wanting infants that the waiting period (thought Holt) is 5 years.  If you have never had an infant I totally understand why you would want to wait but we have had two infants and would like to give a home to child who is in need of one right now.  Also we do not want to prolong the wait for parents hoping to have their first baby.

The agency let us know that some of the children we asked about had birth dates too close to those of our other children.  They gave us a file on a particular girl in China.  Her file included medical records, photographs and a short video.  That’s when I fell in love with her.  I know something might change and we might adopt a different child but at this point I do think of her as my daughter.  Every day I work on paperwork and pay bills to facilitate the adoption.

Is it like paying for a child?  No.  We have to get certified copies of birth certificates, these must be notarized by the Secretary of State and authenticated by the Chinese consulate.  We pay a fee to a social worker to do a home study.  We pay the adoption agency to review our paperwork and help us through the process.  We pay a fee to the orphanage but it is a small fee considering they have cared for our child for the past 3 years.  They are not profiting on the sale of cute children.  The children are not being bought for use as forced labor.  That’s the point of the home study and follow-up visits (which we also pay for.)

Some Russian orphanages do not give you any information.  You make a commitment and adopt a child.  I suppose this might be more altruistic but I think it could be unfair to the child.  We certainly wanted to consider what medical needs our child has and if their needs could be met in Juneau.  We wanted to consider if our home and family is the best place for the child.

Is she adorable?  Yes.  Did I choose her to be my daughter based on her looks?  No.  In fact her photograph did not stand out to me when we first asked for more information, we just had no reason to say we could not care for her.  The more I see her, the more beautiful I realize she is.  Is it like picking out a used car?  No.  But I offer whatever help I can be to someone choosing adoption.  I will help with paperwork, resources, fund raising and anything else I can do.  If you choose to adopt randomly so that it is not like shopping for a child, I support your choice.

Who but a best friend would call you a crackhead for being nervous when you have nothing to worry about?

Who but a best friend would whip up a batch of banana bread batter so you can have something delicious baking when the social worker arrives for your home study visit?

Who but a best friend would say, “Your house is so clean, bring your kids over here so they don’t mess it up before your home visit!  And bring some tortilla chips, I’m making chicken tacos for everyone!”

Who but a best friend would give us roses so we had fresh flowers in the house?

Who but a best friend would stop to say a prayer for us?

“Wait, seriously?  She made you banana bread batter?”

I asked my mentor family for advice about the home study visit and she said she cleaned her house and started baking banana bread just before the social worker arrived.  I said that was a great touch but we were out of bananas, Fred Meyers only had green bananas and I was super-busy.  As I have been known to do, I repeated this story to my friend and she showed up with a pan and the batter.

I love my best friends, near and far, who have congratulated us, reassured us, complimented us and prayed for us.  I cannot wait until the day when we can all party together with Summer-Jun!

Oh, and our home study was thwarted by a snow-storm!  It is rescheduled for Monday afternoon.

It’s very weird inviting someone into your home to judge you.  Intellectually I know that this is a simple visit and I have nothing to worry about.  That doesn’t stop me from being nervous.  Like any time I have company coming, I know they’re not going to notice the dust but that doesn’t stop me from cleaning!

I had a nightmare about the home visit.  I dreamt that the social worker was upset that we didn’t have space in the front hall closet for our new daughter’s coats.  We didn’t have an empty dresser waiting to be filled with her clothes, which we also haven’t purchased.  We do have a bed for her and I know we will make plenty of room before she gets here.

I checked the batteries in the smoke detectors.

We have fire extinguishers on each floor and a fire escape ladder for the third floor.

We don’t have any guns, but if we did, they’d be locked up.

All cleaning materials are behind child safety locks.  All outlets have safety plugs.

I checked the temperature on the water heater -120 degrees.

All puzzle pieces have been united and labeled.

All Barbie/my little pony/Dora/hotwheels/dinosaur/Backyardigans/dress-up/marble run/baby doll accessories have been organized and labeled.

All games have all of their pieces stored in the correct box.

All toys have been organized and neatly stored.

Everything has been scrubbed, dusted, polished, decorated, painted and vacuumed(not necessarily in that order.)

The house has never been cleaner, except maybe before we moved into it.

I think we should take full advantage of it.  I’m free on Presidents’ Day, why don’t you come over?  You’re welcome to open any drawer, look under any bed.  In fact I encourage you to check out the garage!

For those of you too far away to visit, here, have a virtual tour, Idaho John’s room.

And here’s Adelie and Summer-Jun’s room…

Two typical bathrooms (but if you look closely you’ll see no soap scum.)

After distracting my children with cleaning tasks and projects I let them watch some Word World in my bedroom… making the bed was impossible after that.

The living room…

Eloise keeps slipping into my photos.  Apparently GabbyChilkat is camera shy today.

In the middle of this photo, far left, against a dining room chair is a bag of potatoes.  I just don’t know where to store them!

Fury gave Fiction flowers for Valentine’s Day and I was crowned Valentine queen by my sorority (for real -a title I hold all year, permitting me to wear a tiara to meetings.)  I wonder if the flowers will last till Saturday.

And these flowers are extras from Ursula and Philip’s convalidation.  Fiction was the flower girl and dropped these down the aisle.

Fiction and Idaho John’s “office” (the space behind the couch with their desk and bookcases…)

Fury’s office (where I’m sitting right now)…

The foyer…

And of course, the garage (which I actual cleaned after having a panic attack watching Hoarders, not for the home study.)

I bet if I closed all of those boxes it would look neater.  On one box I used brads and ribbons to make a little lock.  On all the boxes I made adorable tags so we would know what was in the boxes (I don’t know what I’m gonna do when the contents of the boxes change!)

I have some tags left over in case I need to label anything else or I could use them as gift tags.

PHEW!  Now nobody touch anything!